When I was 15 I was about 5’1”, 114 pounds, and I wore a size 1/2. I was also weighing myself over 3 times a day— before and after eating, showering, using the restroom, and just for the sake of doing it— atleast untill my mom hid the scale. I had suicidal ideations, restricted what and when I ate, compulsively exercised, couldn’t see myself as healthy as I was, and had to make sure my thighs were not touching in the shower when I put my feet together. At that time, I recently had a falling out with a significant other and I began comparing myself nonstop to new girls I saw who got his attention. My thoughts were irrational and obsessive, and I thought that if I couldn’t be smarter or as liked at them, I could at least be thinner and fitter.
One evening I laid awake in my bed and I could not fall asleep. The thoughts of inadequacy wouldn’t turn off like they did after I ran or after a pilates workout. I went to my mom’s room and told her I didn’t feel well. Of course, she asked me if my stomach hurt and what was wrong and I just said, “no, no, I don’t feel well in my head.” For the next hour I sat on my mom’s lap as she held me and I told her about every ugly thought I was having, even the ones where I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live sometimes. I didn’t realize it but looking back now I believe that to be the first anxiety attack I ever had.
She did what every good mother would do, and she told me she loved me and listened to me until I could go back to sleep. She told me that I could talk to someone if I wanted to and I agreed I would so the next day she called our insurance and found me a local psychologist that I began visiting regularly. She also wrote me a love note for me to find when I got home from school the next day, I won’t ever forget that.
None of my friends knew what I was doing to my body. My food and exercise tendencies didn't quite fit the mold of anorexia or bulimia, but I knew something was not right.
I wasn't underweight, but I was thin, so it would be like a coffee addict going to an AA meeting and asking for sympathy, I didn’t see a point in telling anyone else about my problems. I was and I continue to be that person with “their sh!t together,” at least academically and professionally I would say. At the time, it was also my freshman year of high school, so everyone felt distracted or disinterested until my friend from kindergarten ended up in my spring Earth science class. She was a solo person, so we began reconnecting and haven’t let distance or time separate our friendship since, I am so thankful for the way timing worked out. Even though my friend didn't know what was going on inside my head, her friendship alone made me feel less lonely and secure in myself.
My psychologist didn’t address my eating issues much, he listened to me explain my feelings about the past relationship and told me I had anxiety, but I don’t identify as someone with anxiety today. I stopped going to meetings with him before my sophomore year of high school and worked on moving forward with the existing body and relationships that I had.
Moving forward 3 years I began college. I was pretty confident most of the time and happy because of the great friends I made there. I’m also so blessed to have had the experience of loving someone who loved me back fully as a friend first and a partner second. My college boyfriend emanated patience, kindness, and being a good person overall. He was so proud of me, in every way possible, which in effect made me feel so empowered. I was going to the gym not out of desperation but to feel strong with him, and I knew that he was unashamed of me. He introduced me to his family, friends, held my hand in public, most of his social media was photos of us doing things together and my smile was so genuine. I didn’t tell him about my previous breakup or ongoing body insecurities until after being together over half a year.
Nothing wavered except that he cared even more. His compliments were always so genuine, he looked me in the eyes and reminded me regularly that I was beautiful inside and out. He also paid attention to when I discussed disinterest in eating and knew that it was because I was feeling down about my body and he made it a point to make sure that meals were something comfortable we could share.
This isn’t about him specifically, but my point is having someone to share a pizza with once in a while and feel unashamed in their presence is a blessing. To have someone remind you that you were perfectly made is a reassurance. To have a friend to listen to you and pay attention to your health AND happiness is one of the best things in the world. So, whether you find a boyfriend, girlfriend, or just have amazing platonic friends, thank them and return the favor because I promise it will be remembered years down the road.
Today I am 21, about 5’2”, 125-132 pounds, and I wear a size 3/4. I never get to weigh myself because there is no scale in my apartment and I monitor what I eat, when I eat, and who I eat with. I still fear gaining weight, and I do struggle to feel good sometimes. Somedays I feel lean and healthy and confident. Other days I make myself run a 5k, lift weights, and yet guilty about 400 calories worth of macaroni and green beans when it may have been the only meal I’ve eaten that day (actually to be real, that was this past week). I’ve also been waiting a week and a half for counseling that won’t come for another week and a half because the counseling center is inundated and understaffed at Syracuse. However, as things have gotten rocky I have begun letting people in on my thoughts. I decided to hold myself accountable by speaking up so I have people to avoid disappointing. I also think that we are living in this bubbled world where everyone looks perfect on social media and no one shares the lows in their life, that wouldn’t get enough attention right..being real? Well, this is me, this is real.
What I’ve been learning since I was 15 is that It’s really hard being a woman sometimes. I’m sure men have confidence issues as well, but I can only speak from my perspective. I have walked down the streets and passed a random couple of guys as one of them projected that “her ass is flat.” ....Yeah...I know that already and I’m not here to please you. I have also had heart to heart conversations with women dear to me that have revealed mild to disgusting comments partners have made to them. I hope to never hear another story about boyfriends policing what their girlfriend eats, scrutinizing their workouts, and calling a girl ugly as a "joke." These small comments lead to weeks, months and sometimes years of insecurity. If you know you hurt someone’s feelings don’t gaslight it either, own up to the ignorance and apologize.
No one sees who trembles after the gym because they are so fatigued, no one sees who is abusing laxatives, no one sees who is counting calories and throwing them up...because then we would feel even worse. To the partners of someone with an eating disorder and/or body insecurities, read this and read it again; if you can’t love them fully, let them find love in someone else.
Women (and men), read this and read it again. Expecting positive affirmation sometimes is NOT a weakness, it is a standard that should be upheld on both sides of the relationship and not just when you’re on dates, not just when you’re intimate, not just when you ask for feedback. I was having a lot of insecurities with a guy I was seeing at one point. He would only compliment me when we went on dates, never anytime outside of that. I thought it was needy of me to desire positive feedback and compliments when we saw each other in sweatpants and hung out in casual settings and of course I thought I couldn’t bring this up to him or he would think I’m fishing for compliments. In addition, I feared that if he did begin giving me positive feedback, I would see it as disingenuous and not trust his words. When I explained this fear to my good friend at school, she reminded me that relationships and love are about the human connection. If we had the ability to feel good all the time and could pick ourselves up with our own compliments and self-love, there would be no need for relationships. There would be no need to reveal emotions and insecurities.
Well dang, that one hit hard, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Changing unwarranted thoughts that you have about your body is hard. Putting a halt to the comparison between you and the girl that’s 5’8” and has legs for days is hard. Reminding yourself that carbs can be enjoyable is difficult. Finally telling people about what you’re going through is scary, but for what it is worth, I’m so glad that I did it. I have been met with such compassion and support from my closest friends. Walking into the counseling center alone was humbling but validating to me that my issues deserve to be addressed. I thank every single one of you who has taken the time to read this and I want you to know that you are never alone in any plight that you’re living and that help isn’t always instant, but you do have to seek it for things to get better.
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